So in an effort to be more regular around here, I’ve upped my fiber intake (thank you Jamie Lee Curtis) and instituted things like Monday’s Mail and today’s offering, Workless Wednesdays.
Don’t worry, the cutesy alliteration is making me just as nauseated as you, but it is what it is.

So, what is Workless Wednesday’s you might ask? Well, simply, it’s where I’ll post about jobs that I have applied for in my many years of unemployment and have been denied; oh and one where I’m pretty sure I delivered drugs. With some the denial was a bit harsher than others and some, let’s be honest, I had no business applying for in the first place.

I’ve never been one for saving the best for last so let’s start off with a bang.

In a particularly low moment, I opened the paper and found what seemed like a great employment opportunity. I would be outside, with other people, in one of the greatest places on earth, could stretch the situation and call myself a member of a great baseball team’s “organization”. Really the only downside to this job was, really, the job itself.

But I applied anyway. I needed a job. I needed an income. Wishes and hopes don’t buy toilet paper, or pay the water bill and without those two things, life sort of sucks.

Waited to hear back. Waited and waited and waited. Finally after a week or two of waiting, I gave the contact number a call. Introduced myself, said I was calling to check that they had received my application with resume attached and they said they had indeed received it. Of course at this point I was so desperate for gainful employment (let’s hearken back to the toilet paper) that what little adherence to etiquette I’d had before had pretty much disappeared so I figured while I had the guy on the phone I’d just go ahead and ask him what he thought my chances of actually getting the job were.

“Well I have to say, I don’t think we’ve ever had anyone include a resume when applying for this job before.”

“Oh no? Well I’m in a bit of a groove with applying for jobs so I probably just included it out of habit. So listen, thanks for considering me and I look forward to hearing from you soon.”
(I went ahead and used a period at the end of that sentence but in reality there was a definite lift at the end of soon that pretty much meant “for the love of god will you please give me at least a little hope, even if it is completely false?”)

The poor guy let out a long sigh and in the most apologetic voice said, “See here’s the thing, I really don’t think you are qualified for the job. That’s to say, I don’t know that you would really find fulfillment in the job. I’m sure there is another job out there that you are much more suited for than this one.”

I choked back my tears and heartache, all while quickly trying to calculate how much toilet paper I had left for the rest of the month and managed to eke out a “Oh, okay. Thanks so much. You’re right. Maybe scraping bird poop isn’t the best job for me right now.”

That’s right folks, the job was SCRAPING BIRD POOP FROM SEATS!

I applied for a job to scrap the copious amounts of bird poop from the seats and railings and basically every surface of a baseball stadium.

And I didn’t get the job.

Who knows what my life would look like now had I gotten that job? I think enough time has passed that I could conceivably be the head poop scraper. I could be entrenched in poop scraping middle management. Waking up every morning ready to face another day of poop.

But instead I sit here and write poop about my mail and jobs I didn’t get.

Apparently I’m qualified for that job.

Amanda Denton

We hope Commissioners will finally allow voters to decide the City / County Consolidation, issue, as one obvious answer to our budget shortfall.

The City now struggles with financial problems, which may mean a 1.33 mil tax increase for property owners.  City Manager James Taylor says he can balance the budget without a tax increase, but they must find $2 million somewhere else to do that.

Even city leaders, including our new Mayor, agree with us, they should not be subsidizing our budget with  MEAG dollars. Those dollars expire in 2018, creating a $3 million annual shortfall.

Ward 4 commissioner Roger Marietta suggests a task force to consider eliminating duplication of services. This study has been completed for years!

Beginning in 2003, two study commissions spent years and thousands of dollars looking into the savings of combining Albany and Dougherty County governments and services and decided it should go to the voters.

Duplications were clearly identified in: finance, information technology, procurement, human resources, fleet maintenance, and police departments.

Again in 2008,  the Dougherty County Grand Jury was unanimous among the 23 community representatives, in public presentments, saying:

“The citizens of Dougherty County have the right and are qualified to determine the form of government that will represent them now and in the future”.

Also, the Chamber of Commerce, representing all our local businesses, voted to support our right to vote on this issue.

But then the vote of a few arrogant Commissioners’ , completely dismissed all  these efforts. Commissioners attempted to give an explanation for their vote to the media. One even said that: you the voters, are not bright enough to understand the complexities of the charter issue.   Don’t you believe that for a minute.

Let’s remind them, that in recent years, one City Commissioner went to prison and one County Commissioner pled guilty to theft by taking.

If the voters are wise enough to keep themselves out of prison, they are wise enough to vote on consolidation.

Prom Dress Code

Lee County High made national news recently, with its prom dress code.

The school enacted and enforced rules that prevented teen girls from wearing plunging necklines and super-short dresses.

While some disagree with the policy, we think it’s appropriate.

But the burden shouldn’t be on the school to make sure teen girls aren’t “showing it all.”

Where are the parents?

Mothers, fathers, any adult guardian should make sure a teen is appropriately dressed, before he or she leaves the house.

And this doesn’t just apply to proms!

Come on, adults.

Set a good example, and reinforce in your child that she doesn’t have to dress trashy to have a good time, make friends, or be accepted.

Class trumps trash any day!

Written by Jim Wilcox, general manager of WALB.

The game of baseball became a craze in the US by the mid 1850’s when it was introduced in New York. Baseball has a long history with Albany as well. Going back at least to the 1870’s when Albany had the D. E. Smith ball club.  One of Albany’s early baseball parks was out near the site of the current airport and was even used in 1911 to land the very first airmail plane in the US. The first minor baseball league this writer has been able to find in Albany was in 1906. The Georgia State League in Albany played such teams as the Americus Pallbearers, the Columbus/Brunswick River Snipes, Cordele, Valdosta Stars and the Waycross Machinists. E. D. Alexander of Albany is the only team member mentioned and no statistics have been found as of this writing.

By 1911 Albany had a team in the South Atlantic League, also called the “SALLY” league. The team was called the Albany Babies. The Albany Babies played through 1916. Erskine Mayer played for the Albany Babies in 1911. Mayer went on to a career in Major League Baseball playing for Philadelphia Phillies, the Pittsburgh Pirates, and the Chicago White Sox.

There was a ten year gap between leagues, at which time the new team called the Albany Nuts (Southeastern League) was formed. The Albany Nuts played from 1926-1928. The Albany Nuts team was managed by Thomas Law (Rebel) McMillan. McMillan had played Shortstop and Centerfield for Superbas/Red/Highlanders from 1908-1912.

According to the Albany Dixie Website, it was sometime during this time period, in 1923, that “Shoeless” Joe Jackson, of the “Black Sox Scandal” of 1919,  played for the  Americus, Ga. independent minor league baseball team which played games against the Albany Nutcrackers. The scandal involved 8 members of the Chicago White Sox were accused of trying to “fix” the World Series. Though acquitted, Jackson was not allowed to return to MLB.

This writer has been unable to determine if the Albany Nuts changed their name to the Albany Nutcrackers or if this was a different team. The Americus team and the Albany Nut Crackers played each other for the independent South Georgia League championship.  John “Jack” Slappey of the Albany Nut Crackers pitched against Shoeless Joe Jackson and his famous bat “Black Betsy” in the championship series. Also according to the Albany Dixie Website, John Slappey may have been the first player in Major League Baseball history from Albany.

By 1935 Albany had a new team, the Albany Travelers. The travelers played the Americus Cardinals, Moultrie Steers and other teams. By 1939 the Americus Cardinals had moved to Albany. The Albany Cardinals, a St. Louis Cardinals minor league baseball team of the Class D Georgia-Florida League played their first game in Albany in 1939. The first games were played at the old field just off Monroe Street. The team soon moved to Hugh Mills Memorial Stadium. By 1949 the team had moved once again to the newly constructed Cardinal Park, which was located just north of the old Victory Club on Newton Road.  Cardinal Park was constructed at a cost of $115,000.

The Albany Cardinals did not play during many of the WWII years. The games stopped from 1942 and picked up again in 1946. Several of the Albany Cardinal Team members fought and some even   died in WWII. Albany Native Phil Clark played for the Albany Cardinals in 1953 and later when on to pitch for the St. Louis Cardinals. The Albany Cardinals played their last game in 1958 in Cardinal Stadium.

Albany has been home to or hosted many well known and locally known baseball players over the decades. Most Albanians recognize the names, Paul Eames, Merritt Ranew, Ray Knight, Ace Adams, to say nothing of Buster Posey; the names go on and on. Albany has also had many championship little league teams and highs school teams. Though the Paul Eames Stadium now stands empty, it too once hosted the Polecats, the Alligators, the South Georgia Peanuts the South Georgia Waves and even a female baseball team, the Silver Bullets. Baseball has come and gone from Albany over the years but it is likely that someday the “Boys of Summer” will once again return here.

 
Betty Rehberg is the historian for the Albany Journal and maintains a group on Facebook called Vintage Albany Georgia.

There are joys great and small that come with being a parent. For every first word or graduation ceremony, there’s an expected giggle or insight that makes us swell with pride.

Public humiliation is such a small joy. And it’s a door that swings both ways. Jellybean’s embarrassed me by, for example, shouting, “My daddy pooted,” while walking down the frozen food aisle at Publix. But for The Diva, we are the catalysts for such torment … and God it’s fun.

Back when she was a wee-Diva, My Lovely Wife and I got our out kicks by seeing how many deepening shades of red she could turn while we sang Tim McGraw’s “Indian Outlaw” ay full throat in an utterly empty Pizza Hut. Most the  time our mere presence is enough to elicit such facial contortions, but her defense is pretending we’re only weird strangers who seem to be following her around the mall, or Target or anywhere else that children of a certain age congregate.

Which is why I was utterly dumbfounded when she agreed to go see a movie with me this past weekend … this past Friday night, to be exact, which also happened to be opening night of a horror movie called, “The Lady in Black.”

I almost didn’t ask, not because I didn’t want her to go, but figured there’d be a greater chance of a John Lennon and George Harrison rising from the dead to reunite The Beatles than my teenager agreeing to go out in public with me, knowing there was a possibility of running into someone – anyone, no matter if it’s the janitor – from her high school that she knew.

But say yes she did. The Diva and I’ve always bonded over horror movies My Lovely Wife scares easily, therefore – hindsight being 20/20 – taking her to see Saw on our first date was a bad idea. From The Thing to The Exorcist, Halloween (both part 1 and 2) to The Strangers, The Diva and I have rolled our eyes and pretended to not be afraid through them all.

We even survived The Dead Girl – a terrible movie about some boys who find a nekked zombie and start … well … having sex with it. Needless to say, I had my Netflix-picking privileges suspended a while for that one.

The place was packed with largely loitering teens, but The Diva walked only about nine feet in front of me and even managed to talk to me once we got into the theater. Together we mocked the previews and made fun of the goofy looking adults standing in line with their kids (I knew choosing the Iron Maiden T-shirt would raise my cool quotient). Then tragedy struck – a cute boy from her school walked in with a mob and “L-O-O-O-O-K-E-D” at her, making “totally awkward eye contact.” She used my phone to text anyone about the mortifying situation into which she’d stumbled.

I was invisible again. The Diva spent the next 20 minutes silently wishing that seat would either swallow her or me, but once the lights went down … it was like were sitting on the couch at home, pretending not to be scared.

When the movie was over … let’s just say fire drills and bomb threats have been met with less panic. Back in the car, after her heart rate had slowed and the color in her cheeks cooled, The Diva and I debated the movie’s merits.

Parenting … it’s all about the small joys.

Contact Brett Buckner at brettbuckner@ymail.com

Brett Buckner is an award-winning freelance newspaper/magazine writer who was raised in Albany.

This Friday, Republicans from across Georgia will gather in Columbus for a two day State GOP Convention.  There will be a lot of speeches made, a considerable amount of mixing and mingling between elected officials and the grass roots leadership of the party, and the occasional stops within hospitality suites where those running or looking to run for office entice would be supporters with hors d’oeuvres and perhaps an adult beverage or two.  Perhaps.

The official purpose of this gathering is to nominate the delegates and alternates who will represent Georgia in Tampa later this year when the Republican National Committee meets to nominate Mitt Romney, his chosen running mate, and hash out the details of the party platform.  This will not take the two days allocated, and so there will be a bit of time that needs filling.

In between the speeches by most of Georgia’s Republican members of the congressional delegation and statewide elected officials, there will be resolutions offered.  Providing that the resolutions committee sends to the floor one of the resolutions offered by various district conventions held last month, there will be at least one resolution asking if convention delegates agree that the Republican dominated legislature needs to get serious about offering meaningful ethics reform.

Because the nature of the convention is to project what the party stands for, and who shall stand for it, passing a meaningful and clearly worded ethics resolution must be a priority for the delegates.  It should not be sanitized as a mealy mouthed statement affirming high ethical values from elected officials.  It must instead embrace the reality that Georgia’s ethics laws are meaningless and unenforceable.  It must demand action from the Republican elected officials who will be working the crowd of faithful Friday and Saturday.

As such, those faithful need to let their state level elected officials have an ear-full on ethics.  Words should not be minced.  The tone deaf approach to ethics is not what we promised when we were on the journey to becoming a majority.  If the leadership of the grass roots and the party itself is silent on the issue, then we must accept the fact that ethical governance was merely sloganeering of convenience whose time has passed.

The GOP Chairman, Sue Everhart, herself ran for re-election last year on a platform of independence from the Governor and ostensibly other elected officials so that the party could remain a guiding force for Republican principles.  As such, it is incumbent on her to reiterate the party’s demands that Georgia be governed according to the strongest ethics laws in the country, not the worst.

The Republican legislature has already proven incapable of self-governance.  The response to a Speaker leaving under an ethical cloud was to gut the ethics commission, re-name it, and ensure that there are barely enough staff to even process required forms of self-disclosure.  There are no remaining margins for initiative or investigation.

On the current ethics issue facing Senate Rules Chairman Don Balfour, the Senate Ethics Committee met in secret, only to quickly decide along the narrowest definitions of Senate Rules that they did not have the jurisdiction to handle the complaint before them.  Yet instead of then referring the complaint to a body that does have jurisdiction such as Georgia’s Attorney General, they chose to “continue” the meeting so as to not have to act on the complaint before them, nor let anyone else.  They are, instead, “investigating” a complaint that they have already voted they do not have jurisdiction to handle. That, currently, is how we deal with ethics in Republican controlled Georgia Government.

Republicans will hear a lot of speeches Friday and Saturday.  Many will deal with how the President of another party must be removed so that order can be restored to the government in Washington D.C.

The speeches that we need to hear in Columbus, however, have to do with how we deal – and don’t deal – with ethical transgressions of government and abuse of power here at home.

Republicans have a chance at their gathering this weekend to firmly and clearly say where they stand on the need for ethics reform for Georgia’s government.  Failure to say anything will be the loudest statement possible to condone the status quo, and the pattern of practices for ethical failure that has become commonplace in this Republican Georgia.

Charlie Harper is the Atlanta based Editor of PeachPundit.com, a conservative-leaning political website. He is also a columnist for Dublin Georgia based Courier Herald Publishing.

In late 2011, a poll done by Daily Finance.com revealed Albany, Georgia as the fourth poorest city in the nation.  Not in the state of Georgia nor in a particular region of the state, but in the entire nation.    This speaks loudly for a city with a population of a little more than 70,000 people.  Albany is supposed to be a major city for the Southwest Georgia region.  However other cities in the region are ranked higher than Albany.

According to an interview done by previous Mayor Adams “The one common denominator that keeps people out of poverty is education.”  Wow this can’t be true!  Not when Albany State University graduates approximately 290 students per fall and spring semester and some of those students choose to seek employment in Albany to give back to the community.  Not to mention the students that graduate from the two year college and the technical school and remain locally.  With each secondary institution producing many educated and trained graduates each semester, Albany should have the jobs available to attract them to stay and become residents of Albany.

I personally have been unemployed for the past four years and I am a college graduate.  I have only had the opportunity to volunteer and dedicate my skills and services without pay.  Even after much dedication and experience gained, I have still been unfortunate to find a job in the city.  Yearly, Albany loses many educated men and women who could contribute viably to the community because of the lack of jobs and opportunities for those people who would like to contribute to the cities resources.  One factor that I believe to be true about Albany is that in order to advance in a career it depends on who you know and not what you know.

In a city where the average income is less than $19,000 per year, no college graduate would want to remain in such an impoverished city.  Those who choose to stay just love the city and would love to see it grow.  Albany needs to wake up and allow these college graduates that want to remain locally the opportunity to start a career and succeed.  Train them and give them an opportunity to help this city grow and become the Mecca of the Southwest region that it should be.

Albany is not ranked fourth because of education but because the power to be are hiring their friends and family members, regardless to their education or skills.  Based on my personal opinion the hiring process has not been based on the skills but based on who referred you to the position.  In this way, it keeps the financial gap closed to others and keeping the money within a certain section and/or group of people.  If more jobs were brought to Albany and not just jobs that suit a certain group of people then the economy could boom and everyone could prosper.

Albany is also number four because businesses and corporations are leaving Albany because of the city’s approach to financial viability.  Similar to the same reason Walmart left the city of Albany and moved to Leesburg.  There seems to be more talk about bringing businesses and corporations (jobs) to Albany than what has been actually done.  This is also why so many graduates obtain their degrees and leave this city; it is a dead end for any educated person who doesn’t have a last name that is renowned in this city.  Wake up Albany, in order for our city to prosper, it’s not who you know, but what you know!

Albany area resident M. Douglas is a graduate of Albany State University with a degree in journalism and is a Masters student in public relations at Kent State University.

The purpose of your adrenal glands is to help your body cope with stresses and survive. They are often referred to as “the glands of stress”. It is their job to help the body deal with stress from every possible source ranging from injury, disease, work, relationships, and all the others. Your resiliency, energy, and endurance all depend on their proper functioning.

The adrenal gland is about the size of a walnut- they sit on top of your kidneys.

Your adrenals significantly affect the functioning of every tissue, organ, and gland in your body, they also have important effects on the way you think and feel. Your adrenal glands closely affect the utilization of carbohydrates, and fats and the conversion of fats and proteins into energy and the distribution of stored fat especially around your waist and the sides of your face.

Your propensity to develop certain kinds of diseases and your ability to respond to chronic illness is influenced significantly by the adrenal glands. The more chronic the illness, the more critical the adrenal response becomes. You cannot live without your adrenal hormones and how well you live depends a great deal on how well your adrenal glands function.

If the adrenal glands are properly balanced and functioning correctly the more we are also.

There are signs and symptoms of adrenal fatigue, also called hypoadrenia. People who suffer from adrenal fatigue frequently have erratic or abnormal blood sugar levels in the form of hypoglycemia.

With hypoadrenia there is more of a tendency to experience allergies, arthritic pain and compromised immune system. Most women who have low adrenal function have more premenstrual tension as well as increased difficulty during menopause.

Adrenals also have an effect on mental states. People with adrenal fatigue show a tendency toward increases fears, anxiety, and depression. They also have of confusion, difficulties in concentrating and less acute memory recall.

Really common signs of adrenal imbalance are “easily frustrated” and insomnia. These symptoms may sound like they are no big deal, part of everyday life but they should not go unnoticed for long periods of time. Adrenal imbalance can lead to a number of very serious health problems, such as fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, adult on-set diabetes, autoimmune disorders and alcoholism.

These people may appear to friends and family as being lazy and unmotivated or to have lost their ambition, when in reality quite the opposite is true. They are forced to drive themselves much harder than people with healthy adrenal function merely to accomplish life’s everyday tasks.

Some form of stress usually causes adrenal fatigue. Stress can be physical, emotional, psychological, environmental, infections or of these. It is very important to know that your adrenals respond to every kind of stress the same, whatever the source.

People who are more susceptible to having adrenal fatigue may have some of following issues:

Lack of sleep – poor food choices – using food and drinks as stimulants when tired – staying up late even though fatigued – being constantly in a position of powerlessness – constantly driving yourself – trying to be perfect – staying in double binds (no-win situations) over time – lack of enjoyable and rejuvenating activities.

Adrenal imbalance is something that can be corrected with proper nutritional supplementation. Stop and see me if you think you are having adrenal issues. Getting on a good adrenal supplement can make a huge difference in your every day life!

Those of you have read my columns know that I have a natural aversion to technology and change.  One of the things that I have grown to love though is YouTube because of all of the handyman lessons that are on the videos.  It is a great way for the less handy among us to learn how to fix something and save a buck or two.

In the last three years, I’ve made repairs on the washer and dryer.  I replaced the heating element in the dryer and had to buy a set of dogs for the washer.  Who knew washers even had dogs?  The latest repair took me back to the washer.  After replacing the easy and inexpensive part, I checked it, and it had the same symptoms, draining and clicking without spinning.  Two repairmen and YouTube advised me that the source of my woes was the washer’s transmission.  I was told that it was time to purchase a new washer.  My bride has to have matching machines so it was time for a new dryer too.

Our old washer and dryer had lasted 17 years before being pronounced dead.  That was the last time we were in the market, and things sure have changed a lot in those 17 years.  Now washers do not have an agitator.  There are front loaders and top loaders, but no agitators.  My wife said that we needed a front loader.  The salesman told me that you have to keep the door to this dag blasted thing open to prevent it from getting moldy and nasty inside.  Now I have to check it for wayward critters that might be nesting in there before I start the laundry.  In addition, we are now to clean the washing machine with a special cleaner once a month.  The salesman asked how long we have had our current machines.  I told him 17 years.  Then he told me not to expect 17 years from this washer.  He said that the average life on one of these washers is just 5 years.  The cost of the new washer was considerably higher than what we had paid back in the day.

With all of the persnickety characteristics of the new washer, it is rated Energy Star, High Efficiency, and whatever other label that the environmentalists can put on the darn thing.  It is the greenest white washer that I’ve ever seen.  However, I cannot figure out how a washer that will be placed in the junk pile every 5 years is more friendly to the environment than my old 17 year old water hog.

Once the washer and dryer were delivered, it looked like two space ships had landed in the laundry room.  During the spin cycle, the washer sounds like it is about to take off.  Their shape looks very modern, they have about as many lights as our Christmas tree, and they make chime melodies when starting and stopping.

It is not all bad.  I have seen a noticeable difference in how clean our clothes are compared to the water hog.  The laundry gets done a lot quicker too.  My son couldn’t wait to run a load every time the machine was emptied, but that only lasted until the newness was over.  We have come a long way since the old scrub board, wash tub, and lye soap.  That cannot be denied.  I’d be a little intimidated to lift the hood and check the transmission on the new washer, but that too may be a plus.

Written by Bill Waller. Mr. Waller is a author and contributor local blog, Southwest Georgia Politics. He enjoys writing, traveling, and researching history. He currently resides in Albany, Georgia.

There are many columns out there that provide great public services whether they shine the light on the horrific lives of stay at home moms or take it upon themselves to consume the world’s supplies of butter so the rest of us don’t die of heart attacks, they are bright spots in a society today that seems constantly heading down the toilet.

I think we can all agree, this is not one of them.

As I sit here enjoying a meal of dry Special K and kicking the teenage ass of the Jeopardy players I thought it’s about time I changed that.

Then I got the final Jeopardy question wrong and said screw it, I’m going to tell everyone what I got in the mail today instead.

Let’s do this.

First off we’ve got a lovely notice from the home warranty place letting me know that the credit card I’ve got on file is no longer valid. Which means only one thing; Jessica Owens of Kalamazoo, Washington finally wised up. Serves her right for leaving her credit card in the parking lot of a northern Kentucky gas station.

Next up is something quite juicy if I say so myself. That’s right folks, Grand Canyon Trust has learned of my great love of the Grand Canyon. They are so impressed with my endless dedication, loyalty, and faithfullness (this sentence has been brought to you by dictionary.com) that they extended me an incredible opportunity to give them money. The rest of the letter involves something about noisy helicopters and enterprising resort building Native Americans. Call me crazy but I’m not too keen on denying Native Americans anything involving land so I’m going to have to go ahead and pass on this idea. Sorry Grand Canyon, enjoy the casino. Word of advice, always bet on black.

This brings us to the pinnacle of today’s mail. A collection of paper bound with staples  that I know every postal worker that touches it in its glossy glory can’t help but take a moment and enjoy bounties.

That’s right friends, it’s the Camping World 8th Annual Grillfest catalog. Did you hear me? It’s Grillfest time!

Let’s crack open this bad boy. Oooohhh, Camping World decides to go big or go home and opens the Grillfest catalog with one of the biggest names in grilling, the Colemans. They all look so sleek with their red aluminum lids and their plastic wheels. Someone get me a fan!

It’s difficult to eat without a table so of course Camping World offers a NEW! 4-IN-1 table. So sexy. Move over Victoria’s Secret models, there’s a new game in town.

Everyone knows that Memorial Day barbecue so it only seems right that we turn a couple pages and find everything for all your Memorial Day decorating needs. We’ve got stars and stripes windsocks, and tableclothes,  and awning rope lights (oh yea baby), and what’s that? Oh my how exciting! It’s a patriotic bag chair. You can plop your ass down and show your pride in our fine nation at the same time. God Bless America.

As I flip through this goodie bag I come across words that are always good news- BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND! What is this product that campers worldwide have been clamoring for? That’s right it’s Odorlos Holding Tank Treatments!!!!!! It is environmentally safe, contains no formaldehyde, and speeds up the natural composting process by preventing hydrogen sulfide gases. It’s like I always say, nothing ruins a party faster than hydrogen sulfide gases. Thank you Odorlos Holding Tank Treatments, I am so glad you are back.

Our review of my mail is almost over but before I wrap up I want to draw attention to an item that I hold dear to my heart. That item, friends, would be the deluxe pet basket. I can not tell you how many times I was riding my bike around town and thought, damnit if I could just find a way to let Bronco ride along with me by sitting precariously in a basket on my handlebars. If only, oh to dream. And then my dreams were answered. I can’t tell you what it has done for the dog/owner relationship, especially when I went ahead and also purchased the Deluxe Love Glove. Nothing says you care about your pet than gently caressing them with the love glove, working out the days troubles, whisking away all the burrs and dirt. I’m getting a little misty eyed here, excuse me.

I’m so glad you could all join me in this adventure. Stay tuned next week when I will take out the trash! Until then, happy days and love gloves all around.

Amanda Denton

Music has played a huge part in my life.

I got my first kiss at a fifth grade lock-in while slow dancing to Bon Jovi’s “Never Say Goodbye” off the seminal Slippery When Wet. When my house burned down, the only thing I actually mourned was the loss of my KISS records.

I got dumped right  before junior prom while Cinderella’s “Heartbreak Station” played  in the background and discovered that nihilism can be cool thanks to  Bad Religion’s “Stranger than Fiction,” which had lyrics like Procreation without gain or purpose/languid wills and torpid minds/catapulted  ever faster by the arrow  of time.

I got into my first fight at a Slayer concert … only to realize that I was the only one fighting. And I can still remember my first ever shipment of tapes from Columbia House’s 12-for-1-penny promotion that included the  likes of W.A.S.P., Joan Jett, Iron Maiden, KISS, Ratt, Keel, Y & T, Krokus, Pat Benatar and Stryper.

The only “Our Song” I was ever involved in choosing was “Love of  a Lifetime” by Firehouse (she wanted “Eternal Flame” by the Bangles) and I got an autograph from Kip Winger in a Woolworth’s  where he was reading a Hit Parader magazine.

I dove down the rabbit hole of a CD completest (meaning if I like a disc, or heck even a song for one band, I had to then own everything they ever  put out, which was especially difficult when I discovered Motorhead) because  this  girl made fun of me for not  knowing  who the Ramones were.

The first CD I ever bought  was Tom Petty “Live” because I confused “Don’t Do Me Like That” with “The Break-Up Song” by the Gregg Kihn Band after looking like a fool and singing the chorus for the dude  working the counter at MusicLand.

And while hair metal was the lynchpin of my formative years (I’m a child of the ‘80s), it’s no longer  the  lone driving force. I fell forever in love with My Lovely Wife because she knew the word’s to “Informer” by Snow (all I knew  was “licky  boom-boom  down) and would spontaneously break into “Regulators” by Warren G.

She’s the only person I’ve ever met who might have more songs rolling around her head than me – though her musical stylings lean more toward Indigo Girls, Loggins & Messinna and the Sister Act 2 soundtrack. I actually bought her the Easy Rock CD set from all those infomercials for our first Christmas. To wrap up her tastes in a nutshell – My Lovely Wife loves The Beatles, but only albums before Sgt. Pepper.

But I fear our shared musical obsession has transferred to Jellybean’s DNA. As the Go-Go’s might say … “she got the beat.” From Glee to Disney, Grease 2 (Awesome, and possibly the most unintentionally funny movie since  Urban Cowboy) to Little Shop of  Horrors, if there’s music, Jellybean will watch it. And she’ll listen to just about anything – save for Judas Priest which she  calls “Screaming Man.”

And if she hears it once, it’s stuck in her  head ‘til something else comes along  to knock it  out  of there, which mainly punishes  the  parents  for she  usually only remembers the  chorus. That’s why she’s been walking around for the past three days going, “Who let the dogs out? Who? Who?” and “We will/We will/Rock You (occasionally adding “F-O-R-E-V-E-R”).

She also makes up her own songs with a bunch of nonsiquiters with titles like, “This is My Love who is a Zombie but looks like a Cute Little Puppy Dogs” whose lyrics make about a much since as 90s-era REM.

Those are cute. It’s this recent musical mystery that’s steadily driving the entire household mad. We’ve been told it’s a song she learned in chapel but nobody at school knows the real song. Meanwhile, Jellybean’s constantly bouncing around the house singing, “Roll of God of cherry in of all/roll of God of cherry in of all/and we lock tag a line behind.”

And you’ve gotta do that first part twice or she makes you sing the whole thing over again.

This is the price musically inclined parents pay and fortunately Jellybean’s tastes are as cheesy as ours.

Brett Buckner is an award-winning freelance newspaper/magazine writer who was raised in Albany.