Amanda Denton Archive

There are many columns out there that provide great public services whether they shine the light on the horrific lives of stay at home moms or take it upon themselves to consume the world’s supplies of butter so the rest of us don’t die of heart attacks, they are bright spots in a society today that seems constantly heading down the toilet.

I think we can all agree, this is not one of them.

As I sit here enjoying a meal of dry Special K and kicking the teenage ass of the Jeopardy players I thought it’s about time I changed that.

Then I got the final Jeopardy question wrong and said screw it, I’m going to tell everyone what I got in the mail today instead.

Let’s do this.

First off we’ve got a lovely notice from the home warranty place letting me know that the credit card I’ve got on file is no longer valid. Which means only one thing; Jessica Owens of Kalamazoo, Washington finally wised up. Serves her right for leaving her credit card in the parking lot of a northern Kentucky gas station.

Next up is something quite juicy if I say so myself. That’s right folks, Grand Canyon Trust has learned of my great love of the Grand Canyon. They are so impressed with my endless dedication, loyalty, and faithfullness (this sentence has been brought to you by dictionary.com) that they extended me an incredible opportunity to give them money. The rest of the letter involves something about noisy helicopters and enterprising resort building Native Americans. Call me crazy but I’m not too keen on denying Native Americans anything involving land so I’m going to have to go ahead and pass on this idea. Sorry Grand Canyon, enjoy the casino. Word of advice, always bet on black.

This brings us to the pinnacle of today’s mail. A collection of paper bound with staples  that I know every postal worker that touches it in its glossy glory can’t help but take a moment and enjoy bounties.

That’s right friends, it’s the Camping World 8th Annual Grillfest catalog. Did you hear me? It’s Grillfest time!

Let’s crack open this bad boy. Oooohhh, Camping World decides to go big or go home and opens the Grillfest catalog with one of the biggest names in grilling, the Colemans. They all look so sleek with their red aluminum lids and their plastic wheels. Someone get me a fan!

It’s difficult to eat without a table so of course Camping World offers a NEW! 4-IN-1 table. So sexy. Move over Victoria’s Secret models, there’s a new game in town.

Everyone knows that Memorial Day barbecue so it only seems right that we turn a couple pages and find everything for all your Memorial Day decorating needs. We’ve got stars and stripes windsocks, and tableclothes,  and awning rope lights (oh yea baby), and what’s that? Oh my how exciting! It’s a patriotic bag chair. You can plop your ass down and show your pride in our fine nation at the same time. God Bless America.

As I flip through this goodie bag I come across words that are always good news- BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND! What is this product that campers worldwide have been clamoring for? That’s right it’s Odorlos Holding Tank Treatments!!!!!! It is environmentally safe, contains no formaldehyde, and speeds up the natural composting process by preventing hydrogen sulfide gases. It’s like I always say, nothing ruins a party faster than hydrogen sulfide gases. Thank you Odorlos Holding Tank Treatments, I am so glad you are back.

Our review of my mail is almost over but before I wrap up I want to draw attention to an item that I hold dear to my heart. That item, friends, would be the deluxe pet basket. I can not tell you how many times I was riding my bike around town and thought, damnit if I could just find a way to let Bronco ride along with me by sitting precariously in a basket on my handlebars. If only, oh to dream. And then my dreams were answered. I can’t tell you what it has done for the dog/owner relationship, especially when I went ahead and also purchased the Deluxe Love Glove. Nothing says you care about your pet than gently caressing them with the love glove, working out the days troubles, whisking away all the burrs and dirt. I’m getting a little misty eyed here, excuse me.

I’m so glad you could all join me in this adventure. Stay tuned next week when I will take out the trash! Until then, happy days and love gloves all around.

Amanda Denton

Amanda Denton

So here I am- sitting, watching/listening to Modern Family, trying to think of a topic of a post (I’m working on one involving my best friend’s hatred of pork but that needs finessing) and I’m stuck.

Of course I turn to the internet.

I found a list of writing prompts and even though I don’t know the person/machine that generated this one, they clearly know me, and my mother.

…..5 quirks I like about my mother…..

Oh Mawtha, this is going to be fun.

1.Her proclivity for pluralizing. Example- as kids she would ask us to clean our rooms and when it wasn’t done she would come and point out things that we had missed. For this example let’s imagine that there is a hanger in the floor, a shirt hanging on a chair, and a book in the floor. My mom’s reaction would be to say “There are hangers everywhere! Shirts on every chair in here! Books all over the place!”

She has done this for as long I’ve known her and it has never ceased to be funny. I would not suggest laughing while she’s mad though, it never helps the situation.

2.When talking to her, she will mimic your facial expressions. It is especially hysterical when you are telling a funny or sad story.

3.She always tried to not let us see her laughing at us by hiding behind a napkin. Because  it is perfectly normal dinner table behavior to cover one’s face with a napkin and shake while occasionally letting a snort escape. Totally fooled us.

4. Her overreactions to little things are a sight to behold. Example- she and my sister flew into Atlanta to visit Georgia Tech back when my sister was considering grad school. I went up there to pick them up and we were going to go to the CNN Museum before we headed down south.  I pulled into the parking lot and as is custom with many pay lots, I rolled my window down to grap the ticket thingie. I don’t think to roll my window back up until we park. Now it is summer time in Georgia, so it was a wee bit hot, but but Mawtha’s reaction to this was a little bit extreme. She turned, noticed the open window, and in the most aghast voice possible goes, “WHY IS THE WINDOW OPEN?”. I would not expect her tone to be any different than if I had just murdered my baby sister right in front of her eyes. This open window? Treason of the highest order.

5. No matter how old we get, she never stops being our mom. One day I was standing in their kitchen eating something, and got a drip on my shirt. With cat like reflexes, my mom leaps across the kitchen, grabs a wet cloth, and starts cleaning my shirt. All while I stand there rather stunned that at 32 years old, my mom was cleaning me. Or when we were standing in line at something at their church and one of my sibling’s old teachers came by and asked how said sibling was doing. My mom feels the need to step in, “She’s GREAT! She’s doing this and that and oh and this and she’s just great!” My mom- a cheerleader to the end.

So there you have it- 5 quirks I like about my mother. Good times.

Amanda Denton

So I’ve mentioned Pinterest and my love for it, numerous times before but a new and unexpected side effect has arisen from my love of the site.

In addition to the people you know and follow, you can follow anyone on the site. You can choose to follow all their boards, or just pick and choose what interests you.

Because of this, I follow a lot of people who I share interests with, but most of the time we have just that one or two interests in common.

Enter THAT WOMAN.

That’s what I call her.

You see, THAT WOMAN and I are pretty much the same person, at least as far as Pinterest is concerned. I first started following her because I searched for Crimson Tide pins and she showed up. Next thing I know, she’s posting gardening stuff, and star wars stuff, and things about tv shows I love, and legos, and more Tide, and various other geeky things, and things I would love to eat, and pretty much everything else in the world that I love.

This situation has had me questioning the new etiquette involved in the social media/always connected with at times perfect strangers world we live in today.

Is it appropriate to approach this woman? How do I go about it? Is it at all acceptable to ask this woman to move in with me and perhaps entertain me? How does that whole sister wives thing work? How do you figure out if someone would be okay with a sister wife kind of relationship? Can I hire her to cook all those wonderful things she pins? Or construct the truly incredible lego village she pinned at three in the morning the other day (OH MY GOD SHE IS ALSO A NIGHT OWL!) that would look amazing in my office next to my Lego Hogwarts Castle (a Christmas gift from MrBunny that I adore).

Would that be coming on too strong? Would it be like when I made a cross-stitch of Nancy Lopez’s face and she then tried to kill me?

I don’t know if I can suffer a heartbreak like that again.

Maybe I’ll just admire her from afar.

And dream of the day we walk into Bryant-Denny holding hands, at sunset, on gameday, eating nutella pinwheels, discussing the best time to plant broccoli in this climate, and comparing plans for our lifesize Lego homes.

Oh to dream…

Amanda Denton

Oh, Pinterest. How I love you so. And hate you, all at the same time.

Love, because you are awesome.

Hate. because half the time I see things and I’m like, “oh that is so awesome” and then I think about actually making it and then I’m like, “oh that is so not what I want to spend my time on”.

But I decided that I was going to make a concerted effort to at least attempt some of the things I pin.

Hopefully this won’t be a “one and done” but we shall see.

Today I decided upon the “homemade chocolate syrup”, found here… http://pinterest.com/pin/23010648065747861/

I love chocolate syrup. Who doesn’t love chocolate syrup?

I like to make chocolate milk. Again, who doesn’t like to make chocolate milk?

I was in the mood for chocolate milk this afternoon and realized I didn’t have any chocolate syrup.

:cue the empathetic crying from the crowd:

So I looked to pinterest and found exactly what I was looking for.

It was really easy!

Sugar, cocoa powder, a bit of salt, water, and some vanilla- things I already had in my cabinets. I love it when it works out like that!

Mixed the cocoa and sugar together, added the water, mixed (actually this was the most difficult part- use a larger pot than you think you’ll need other wise each time you go to mix the cocoa powder will *poof* everywhere, very annoying) it up and set to boil.

After it reaches a boil you simmer for five minutes, remove from heat from five minutes, add vanilla, and then put in a container.

Seriously, it would have taken me longer to run to publix to buy chocolate syrup than it did to make it.

How does it taste? Pretty damn close actually. It’s sugar instead of corn syrup so it has that different taste but I love it.

Just had a glass of chocolate milk and it was rather satisfying if I do say so myself.

Score 1 for Pinterest!

Amanda Denton

I’ve already done Ginger’s “life story” so now it’s time for the big boy Bronco.

Bronco was born and lived life before us with his parents and siblings and a loving human family. I went and picked him up and he was just as happy and warm and fed and cared for as a little dog could be.

He came home and had a glorious existence. Every toy he could ever hope for, a full dinner bowl every night with fresh water at his constant disposal.

The only blemish on his life’s perfect complexion would be Ginger. It’s not so much that he has a problem with Ginger but more like Ginger has a problem with him. Then again it’s not so much that Ginger has a problem with him but more like she tolerates him.

Given Bronco’s desperate need to have every man, woman, child, and animal love him, this shunning hit him hard. He has done everything that he knows to do to attempt to win her over. Everyday he wakes up and tries his best to endear himself to her. To no avail.

After a few years of constant battle, Bronco received the best gift ever.
Ninja.

To say that Ninja is the best thing that ever happened to Bronco would be an understand of the century.

Those two are inseparable. It is a rare occasion that you see one without the other. They spend all day playing and fighting with each other. When they sleep, they have to be touching.

If Bronco were human he would be your stereotypical pothead surfer. Nothing fazes him. He always wants to eat. He has such a laid back attitude that sometimes I wonder if he would move at all if Ninja weren’t around.

He could also be described as the canine version of a trustifarian. Dog has never had occasion to want for anything. My dog has the potential to be the most obnoxious spoiled brat (canine version) but luckily I saw the storm brewing and headed that off the pass.

The last thing anyone needs is a 90 pound black lab with an entitlement complex.