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The Movie Guy: G.I. Joe and The Bachelorette

By   /   April 8, 2013  /   Comments

G.I. Joe Retaliation (Now in theaters…)

                Having been born in the seventies I grew up watch the G.I. Joe cartoon (as well as Transformers) while reading the comics and collecting the toys,  God how I wish I still had all of those, so a few years ago when they announced there was going to be  G.I. Joe movie I just assumed that it would be a decent enough movie to make some money. I mean look at the Transformers movies, they have no real discernible plot (unless one counts Megan Fox running in a tank top…) but people still go to see them, so I naturally assumed the Joes would be perfect fit in the ADHD riddled world we live in. The original movie sucked and by sucked I mean it had as much to do with the G.I. Joe characters as I do with being a tattoo artist and let me just add my stick figures look like something out of the ‘Blair Witch Project’, a lot of my dislike for the original movie comes from Marlon Wayons running around screaming like a 5 year old girl, the mechanical enhancement suits and the fact that Cobra Commander looks nothing like Cobra Commander.

Despite having said all of that that, this movie changes the game on us. I don’t think that the ‘Rock’ will ever win any awards as an actor, but in this movie he’s perfect. The human action figure playing an action figure. Throw in Ray Park once more as Snake eyes and a few other actors from the original and we’re off the races. The plot is simple enough to follow if you had the misfortune of seeing the last movie as it picks up right where the last one left off. The Joes are framed for a crime they didn’t commit and are hunted down and executed, except for a small band of soldiers led by the Rock in attempt to discover why this was done to them, who did it and how to stop them. They enlist the help of Bruce Willis’ character, the general that the Joes were named after, and the ninja assassin known as ‘Storm Shadow’ to stop the forces of Cobra.

This is the movie that I wanted to see the first time around, it’s sad that it took them a movie to get so much right after getting it all wrong. If you have the chance, a fond memory of the Joes or just want to see some action on screen, check out G.I. Joe Retaliation, I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

3 stars out of 5, and knowing is half the battle…

The Bachelorette (Now on DVD and Netflix)…

                I know that it is a common practice to copy something successful in the movie industry, Halloween came out in the seventies and suddenly there was a glut of holiday based killer movies. The Bachelorette is trying desperately to ride the coat tails of ‘Bridesmaids’ and fails miserably. There isn’t a single likable character in this movie and I spent an hour and a half of my life waiting for a life. The jokes fall flat, the humor ranges from crude to infantile and the intelligence of the audience is insulted from having been made to suffer through the various antics of the characters involved.

Let me give you the broad strokes: Two characters get coked up and talk about their craving to perform oral sex on anyone, the three BFFs of the bride rip the wedding dress, bleed on it and allow a striper to use it as a…cleaning cloth…if you catch my meaning. And those are the bits from the movie that I wish I could forget.

 

I expected so much more from the actresses involved, Hell I expected something remotely funny!

0 stars out of 5, its time I’ll never get back.

 

 

Keith Kilburn and his wife, Dawn, live in Leesburg with two cats and dog named Godzilla. He’s written for Herorealm.com before they were bought out by corporate interests and has written a novel that he’s working on publishing. It’s rumored that he’s seen more movies than Blockbuster rents in a year and knows more about comic books than Stan Lee himself!

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