There are many columns out there that provide great public services whether they shine the light on the horrific lives of stay at home moms or take it upon themselves to consume the world’s supplies of butter so the rest of us don’t die of heart attacks, they are bright spots in a society today that seems constantly heading down the toilet.
I think we can all agree, this is not one of them.
As I sit here enjoying a meal of dry Special K and kicking the teenage ass of the Jeopardy players I thought it’s about time I changed that.
Then I got the final Jeopardy question wrong and said screw it, I’m going to tell everyone what I got in the mail today instead.
Let’s do this.
First off we’ve got a lovely notice from the home warranty place letting me know that the credit card I’ve got on file is no longer valid. Which means only one thing; Jessica Owens of Kalamazoo, Washington finally wised up. Serves her right for leaving her credit card in the parking lot of a northern Kentucky gas station.
Next up is something quite juicy if I say so myself. That’s right folks, Grand Canyon Trust has learned of my great love of the Grand Canyon. They are so impressed with my endless dedication, loyalty, and faithfullness (this sentence has been brought to you by dictionary.com) that they extended me an incredible opportunity to give them money. The rest of the letter involves something about noisy helicopters and enterprising resort building Native Americans. Call me crazy but I’m not too keen on denying Native Americans anything involving land so I’m going to have to go ahead and pass on this idea. Sorry Grand Canyon, enjoy the casino. Word of advice, always bet on black.
This brings us to the pinnacle of today’s mail. A collection of paper bound with staples that I know every postal worker that touches it in its glossy glory can’t help but take a moment and enjoy bounties.
That’s right friends, it’s the Camping World 8th Annual Grillfest catalog. Did you hear me? It’s Grillfest time!
Let’s crack open this bad boy. Oooohhh, Camping World decides to go big or go home and opens the Grillfest catalog with one of the biggest names in grilling, the Colemans. They all look so sleek with their red aluminum lids and their plastic wheels. Someone get me a fan!
It’s difficult to eat without a table so of course Camping World offers a NEW! 4-IN-1 table. So sexy. Move over Victoria’s Secret models, there’s a new game in town.
Everyone knows that Memorial Day barbecue so it only seems right that we turn a couple pages and find everything for all your Memorial Day decorating needs. We’ve got stars and stripes windsocks, and tableclothes, and awning rope lights (oh yea baby), and what’s that? Oh my how exciting! It’s a patriotic bag chair. You can plop your ass down and show your pride in our fine nation at the same time. God Bless America.
As I flip through this goodie bag I come across words that are always good news- BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND! What is this product that campers worldwide have been clamoring for? That’s right it’s Odorlos Holding Tank Treatments!!!!!! It is environmentally safe, contains no formaldehyde, and speeds up the natural composting process by preventing hydrogen sulfide gases. It’s like I always say, nothing ruins a party faster than hydrogen sulfide gases. Thank you Odorlos Holding Tank Treatments, I am so glad you are back.
Our review of my mail is almost over but before I wrap up I want to draw attention to an item that I hold dear to my heart. That item, friends, would be the deluxe pet basket. I can not tell you how many times I was riding my bike around town and thought, damnit if I could just find a way to let Bronco ride along with me by sitting precariously in a basket on my handlebars. If only, oh to dream. And then my dreams were answered. I can’t tell you what it has done for the dog/owner relationship, especially when I went ahead and also purchased the Deluxe Love Glove. Nothing says you care about your pet than gently caressing them with the love glove, working out the days troubles, whisking away all the burrs and dirt. I’m getting a little misty eyed here, excuse me.
I’m so glad you could all join me in this adventure. Stay tuned next week when I will take out the trash! Until then, happy days and love gloves all around.