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Dear bar down the street

By   /   June 14, 2011  /   Comments

I had the privilege the other night to visit your fine establishment for the first time.

As I usually do, I took a moment to “take it all in” and have come to the conclusion that nine times out of 10, you cannot go wrong with bras hanging from the ceiling. Not only are they a great conversation starter, but I think they give a good indication as to the type of crowd that you might find yourself in as the evening turns to night.

But surprisingly, it wasn’t the hanging bras that were the highlight of my evening. No, that came when I had to use the facilities.

There I am, going about my business, when I happen to look up and see this sign on the back of the stall’s door.

“To our customers: We kindly ask you to not overstock the toilets. If you are caught throwing tampons, pads, gum, cigarette butts or etc. into them you will be asked to leave the bar for 30 days. Help us help you have a clean and steady paced bathroom. Thank you.”

I cannot find the words that appropriately convey the gleeful feelings that overwhelmed me as I read this. Why? Because it is gold.

Like onions, ogres, and parfait, it has so many levels.

1. “We kindly as you not to overstock the toilets.” I am approaching 33 years on this earth and I have never once heard of stocking a toilet. Not once. Stuffing, filling, overflowing sure, but never stocking. As a matter of fact, it seems as if the internet is also unfamiliar with such usage because I just Googled it and the first two pages of results were of toilets on overstock.com. So, yeah, overstock the toilet — not sure if that is really the words you were looking for.

2. “If you are caught …” Ummmmm … how are you going to catch these offenders? Is there someone whose job is solely to sit and watch the women’s bathroom all night in order to make sure the overstockers are brought to justice? And if there is, where do I sign up? I don’t really care to watch women pee for hours on end but I’d be willing to bet at least once a night there is the typical inebriated woman who just broke up with her boyfriend and is on the floor (usually right in front of the sink or just close enough to the door that you have to climb over them to leave the bathroom, and they always give you these dirty looks like you are being some huge bi— to them for actually wanting to wash your hands or leave the restroom) accompanied by her slightly less inebriated friend who is holding her hair as she pukes or petting her head as she sobs on the cell phone asking why said boyfriend doesn’t love her anymore.

If the job enables me to see that at least once every weekend, I am so there.

3. “You will be asked to leave the bar for 30 days” WHAT? Surely you realize how over-the-top this is. The real question however comma is how on earth do you go about enforcing this? Do you have a “wall of shame” somewhere with pictures of the offenders on display for all to see? Perhaps with their crime in big block letters so everyone knows what to be on the lookout for?

“Do not allow entrance for this TAMPON FLUSHER until 7/2/11.″

On second thought, that might be awesome.

Oh, bar down the street, thank you. Without knowing it you totally made my weekend. And I can’t wait to come by again to see the wall of shame.

But don’t worry; I’ll leave my toilet stocking supplies at home.

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About the author

Owner / Editor / Writer

Tom Knighton is the publisher of The Albany Journal. In November, 2011, he became the first blogger to take over a newspaper anywhere in the world. In August of 2012, he made the difficult decision to take the Journal out of print circulation and become an online news agency, a first for the Albany area.

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